1. Donald Trump, “Jacked” (1-1)
The current favorite is owned by Vladimir Putin and trained by Steve Bannon Stables. The horse is named after a definition discovered on TikTok, which stated….”a verb currently used to describe the moment special counsel Jack Smith issues an indictment.” Roger Stone will ride him…..because no one else wants to.
2. Ron DeSantis, “I Need Indeed” (25-1)
This Florida-bred horse is owned by every conspiracy theorist in America and trained by We Hate the Woke Stables. The horse was given this name because the candidate has to replace staff members on a constant basis.
3. Tim Scott, “Black & Blue” (100-1)
This South Carolina-bred long shot is owned by George and Weezy Jefferson and trained by Delusional Stables. The owners picked this name because it summed up exactly how they felt when they realized there was no way in hell the horse was ever going to win. EVER!!!!
4. Nikki Haley, “Lemon Crusher” (38-1)
This South Carolina filly is owned by Jeb and Columba Bush and trained by Punjabi Stables. From The G-Man believes she is more than capable of competing with this field, but we think many bettors won’t feel confident enough in her previous performances to give her a legitimate shot at winning the big race in 2024. We suspect one former CNN anchor won’t be betting on her any time soon.
5. Mike Pence, “D.C. Traitor” (30-1)
This Indiana-bred long shot was originally owned by Ted Nugent, who quickly sold it to Tom Hanks after its trainer, Founding Fathers Stables, refused to take part in race-fixing. Unscrupulous owners and trainers have labeled the horse and stable “traitors” for refusing to dupe millions of bettors, but others have applauded and strongly supported them. Still, it will not be enough to help D.C. Traitor win the 2024 derby. Currently, hate seems to have a stronghold on the country, and many would rather harm the horse than bet on it.
6. Chris Christie, “Jersey Ass-Kicker” (11-1)
If there is one contender in this field that could close strongly down the backstretch, it is “Jersey Ass-Kicker.” The New Jersey-bred horse is co-owned by Christine Todd-Whitman and Jim McGreevy and trained by Newark Nightmare Stables. “This horse can pose a very serious threat in the 2024 Presidential Derby because of its tenacious attitude and fighter mentality,” said renowned chemist Walter White. “Jacked may be considered the super horse in the field, but Jersey Ass-Kicker is fearless! If he does well in the August 23rd contest and the preliminary races heading in 2024, watch out! Long shots do come in every now and then, so watch out!”
7. Vivek Ramaswamy, “Respect The Tech” (70-1)
This Ohio-bred long shot is owned by British icon “Dr. Who” and trained by Einstein Stables. While his accomplishments are extremely impressive, the horse has no chance of winning without the assistance of AI. Period!
8. Doug Burgum, “StayonTopicGeorge” (65-1)
This North Dakota-bred mega-long shot is owned by Thurston Howell III and trained by Big Dollars Stables. We hoped we would get some idea of how good the horse runs, but it’s just trotting along….slowly….and getting slower, and slower, and slower. StayonTopicGeorge may be better off giving kids rides at state fairs. He certainly wouldn’t move fast enough for them to fall off. Just saying.
9. Asa Hutchinson, “Soothsayer” (45-1)
This Arkansas-bred horse is owned by Margarine Taylor-Beans and trained by Bentonville Stables. We would absolutely love to see this horse close the gap in the final stretch because, as his trainer stated, “He has always run with honor and a strong sense of pride. He has managed to compete in every race and proved formidable whenever challenged.” There is no question that this horse has the heart, honor and soul of a true champion, but as long as millions of bettors remain loyal to Jacked, who reigned supreme for four consecutive years and continues to do so, he, nor others in the field, will not win the Presidential Derby of 2024.
10. Will Hurd, “Texas Strong” (50-1)
This Texas-bred long shot is owned by Jerry Jones and trained by Emmitt Smith Stables. Texas Strong is an intriguing entry and has the moxie to go head-to-head with this field. Can he get out of the gate fast enough to claim a comfortable spot going into the first turn? That is the question. Like Jersey Ass-Kicker, Texas Strong has to do well in the August 23 meet in order for bettors to start taking him seriously. The horse has run with conviction and determination, which could serve him well going forward.